Thinking Jew Girl: Q&A: Commitment's a Problem

Dear Tania,
I liked your good answer to I wish I knew, and hope you can provide me with one as well.
I have been dating this really good guy for almost two years. Our two year anniversary will be this July, to be exact. He is smart, nice, witty, funny, handsome, has a good job, sincerely frum, and he essentially fits all my criteria except for one. He has not proposed yet. I don't know what is taking him so long to pop the question. My friends tell me he has commitment issues, but that judgement does not help me.?
I am sick and tired of this relationship dragging on for so long, but i dont want to break up either.
Sincerely,
Sick-'n-tired-of-it-all

Dear Sick-'n-tired-of-it-all,

Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary! Spending two years in a relationship is an accomplishment. That being said, I am afraid you are stuck in a bit of an unhealthy situation.

You say this young man fits all of your criteria except for the fact that he cannot commit to marrying you. That's a problem. It is similar to viewing a gorgeous painting which simply does not belong to you. ?

Long term relationships are perfectly fine as long as both parties involved are happy with the arrangements. My experience has shown that those situations are limited to cases where couples cannot settle down for practical reasons: long distance, schooling, financial, and parental support.?

You say he is an amazing person with phenomenal qualities, but the very fact that he is keeping you in a relationship without offering commitment on his part indicates a lack of sensitivity on his part.?

I have seen people get engaged after extended periods of dating, times where I was sure the couple would never take a step forward as was the case with the boy who couldn't commit, times where I encouraged the girlfriend to end things if he didn't propose. She stuck with him and eventually he did propose. There is hope, but what kind of behavioral pattern does this kind of non-committal attitude indicate? For the rest of your life, you will have an idea and for him to come around to it would take a good couple of years. Is that what you want your marriage to look like?

In every relationship I have lived through, the couple reaches a point where they decide if they will be taking the next step in the courtship. If they don't decide to move forward in a reasonable amount of time, then there is no stagnation, keeping the relationship alive becomes near impossible. "When you aren't moving forwards, you are moving backwards."?

I remember going out with someone for a couple of months, we had a couple of discussions about marriage and the like. We decided on an engagement date, and then, a week later, he realized that marriage lasts longer than five minutes, and he told me that he never realized what he was saying when he asked me to marry him, he wanted to date me "and see where things go." He wanted to keep on dating me and think about it.?

I told him to think all he wants, but without me please. That was the end of that one.

Had he wanted to think before we discussed marriage, that would have been normal. But in relationships, once you go forward, you can't really go back.?

For every couple that "next step" point can be at different stages of dating. It can be from three to five dates where you decide "whether you are dating or not", then from two months to a year when you decide if you will be spending the rest of your lives together. I truly believe that a year is enough time to know if you could marry the person or not. According to millionaire matchmaker Patti Stanger, if a guy doesn't propose to a girl after a year of dating, he must release her back into the sea so that she can find another fish.

I really cannot offer you practical advice since I do not know you personally and the details of your relationship. However, I do wish you the strength required to be honest with yourself in assessing whether this relationship is one worth clinging to.?

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